Post written by Rachel Casey, LMFT
Criticism: There is a significant difference between a complaint and criticism. Criticism uses “you” or blaming statements. Complaints use “I” statements, which are more productive. When we criticize, we are telling the other person what they are doing wrong instead of expressing how we are feeling or what we need. i.e., Complaint-“I feel unheard. Can we talk about this and problem-solve ways for me to feel heard?” Criticism-“You never listen to me. Why do I even bother trying to communicate with you? It is a lost cause.”
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Contempt: Contempt includes disrespect, a patronizing communication style or tone, or a strike on a person’s character. i.e., Partner A-“I wish you would spend more time with our family.” Partner B-*eye rolls* “Well someone has to make money around here!”
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Defensiveness: When feeling attacked, we tend to defend ourselves. Although, sometimes the other person we are speaking with is not intending on attacking us. They might be expressing a complaint, which is a healthy way of communicating. (See Criticism for the difference). i.e., Partner A-“I feel upset when you ignore my needs. I need you to hear me.” Partner B-“Oh you get upset when I ignore your needs? What about those times when you have ignored my needs? Do my needs not matter to you?”
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Stonewalling: Think of an actual wall. When we are stonewalling, we are putting a wall between ourselves and another person. We are not allowing ourselves to hear or understand what the other person is saying. In a sense, we are avoiding the problem. We might respond with, “Ok” or “Mhm”, but that is dismissive of the other person. i.e., Partner A-“I feel hurt and resentful that we do not spend enough quality time together.” Partner B-*looking away* “Ok.”